Finding Yourself Again After Becoming a Mum: 5 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me Before My First Baby
"Motherhood doesn't ask you to become less of yourself. It asks you to discover a version of yourself you've never met before."
As I sit here writing this, I'm just a couple of weeks away from meeting our third baby. In a few short weeks, I'll officially be joining the three under five club (wish me luck!).
People keep asking me if I'm nervous. Honestly? A little....But it's a different kind of nervous this time.
With my first pregnancy, I worried about labour.
With my second, I worried about juggling two little ones.
This time, I'm thinking much more about me. Not because I'm being selfish.
But because I've finally realised something that took me years to learn...
The best thing I can give my children is the healthiest, happiest version of their mum. (For a while I wasn't even close to happy or healthy.... and thats okay, this season is tough)
That doesn't mean being perfect. Far from it actually.
I've experienced postpartum mental health struggles after both of my children. I've struggled with weight gain, exhaustion, identity, mum guilt and that overwhelming feeling that the washing basket somehow reproduces overnight. I've looked around my house and wondered how it became so messy when I'd spent the entire day tidying. I've cried because choosing what to cook for dinner felt like climbing a mountain. I've felt lonely in rooms full of people.
And I've also experienced moments of joy so overwhelming that they've taken my breath away.
Motherhood is wonderfully contradictory like that.
So instead of writing a list of things every mum "should" do, I wanted to share five things I genuinely wish someone had told me before I became a mum. Not because I've got motherhood figured out but because I'm still learning too and if this can help just one mama feel better about themselves today, I've done my job.
1. Get the Cleaner (Seriously!!!)
I don't care if it's once a fortnight. Once a month. Or if it means giving up a couple of takeaways to make it happen.
If you can find a way to budget for a cleaner...Do it.
I spent so long believing I should be able to keep on top of everything. The house. The washing. The toys. The shopping. The life admin. The children. The work. The cooking (well that's Sam's job but you get the picture...)
Somewhere along the way I forgot that raising children is already a full-time job.
Research consistently shows that the mental load carried by mothers extends far beyond physical chores. Planning, remembering, organising and anticipating family needs all contribute to cognitive overload, which can affect wellbeing and increase feelings of stress and burnout.
A cleaner doesn't just clean your house. She buys you time. Energy. Headspace. Maybe even your sanity (It gave me back mine!)
And that's worth far more than sparkling skirting boards.
2. Make Time to Bond with Your Baby... Before They're Even Here
When people talk about bonding, they often mean after the baby arrives but I wish someone had reminded me that I matter before then too.
This pregnancy, I've been trying to intentionally carve out moments that are just for me and baby.
Sometimes that's taking Bailey for a quiet walk.
Sometimes it's sitting with a matcha and journalling.
Sometimes it's a warm bath with my favourite music playing or a podcast.
Sometimes it's treating myself to a massage or to go on a spa day
Sometimes it's simply resting my hands on my bump and imagining the little girl I'll meet soon.
Life gets busy. Especially if you're already parenting.
But pregnancy isn't just about preparing the nursery. It's about preparing your heart too.
Studies suggest that mindfulness during pregnancy can help reduce stress and anxiety for some women, while taking moments to slow down can strengthen emotional connection with your baby and yourself.
Those quiet moments matter.
3. Take Every Photo. Every Single One.
Can I let you into a little secret?
There were days during pregnancy when I looked in the mirror and barely recognised myself (especially with this pregnancy, having gone on a weight loss journey last year!)
My body changed. My face changed. Everything felt unfamiliar. I almost avoided taking photos because I didn't feel like "me." I am so grateful I didn't.
Now, one of Olivia's favourite things to do is scroll through photos of when I was pregnant with her and Theo.She points at my bump with complete amazement.
"Were we really in there?"
Watching them discover those memories is one of the sweetest gifts.
Those photos aren't for Instagram. They're for your future self. They're for your children. They're proof of something extraordinary.
Because let's not forget... You are growing an entire human. Organ by organ. Heartbeat by heartbeat.That deserves documenting.
And if you can, book the maternity photoshoot.
Or ask a friend to take photos.... or set your phone on a timer.
However you do it...Please don't wait until you feel "beautiful enough."
One day, you'll realise you already were.
4. Your Village Might Not Look How You Imagined
This one took me a long time to accept.
We all picture our village. The people who'll show up. The people who'll check in.The people who'll hold the baby while you shower.
Sometimes they do...Sometimes they don't & sometimes...The people who become your village are people you hadn't even met when you first saw those two pink lines.
I've learned that family isn't always defined by blood. And support isn't always found where you expected it to be. My village has been built through friendships, fellow mums, local business owners, neighbours and women I've met through work. Some people have walked into my life exactly when I needed them.Others have quietly drifted away. Both are okay.
One of the greatest gifts you can give yourself is letting go of the idea that your support system has to look a certain way.
Instead...Build it intentionally. Hold tightly to the people who make you feel safe & don't be afraid to outgrow relationships that no longer support this season of your life.
5. Give Baby Classes a Chance... Even If They Feel Awful at First
Confession time. I hated my first baby class....absolutely hated it.
Everyone seemed to know each other. People were singing nursery rhymes with far more enthusiasm than I could muster. I remember sitting there thinking... "I don't belong here." So I didn't go back.
Then all my NCT friends started going. I had serious FOMO.Eventually I booked onto the next term & honestly? It became one of my favourite parts of the week.
Looking back, I don't think I fell in love with the class.I fell in love with the connection.
With seeing other mums who also hadn't slept, who also had babies crying, who also felt like they were figuring it out as they went and not really sure what on earth they were doing... Years later, I'm still friends with some of those mums. I'm still in touch with the teacher.
And one of the things I'm most excited about with baby number three is going back.
If you'd told first-time-mum Jess that would happen, I'd never have believed you.
So if your first class feels awkward... Go again. It might just become the place you feel least alone.
Motherhood Doesn't Have to Be Perfect
The biggest lesson motherhood has taught me? Stop trying to be the perfect mum & start trying to be a supported one. A healthy one. A happy one.
Your children don't need perfection. They need you, just as you are Mama.
And you deserve support just as much as they do. That's actually one of the reasons community has become such a huge part of my life and my business...Whether it's through beauty appointments that become therapy sessions, wellness events, networking mornings or simply connecting women together, I've realised something beautiful happens when women stop trying to do everything alone.
We flourish.
If You're Local...
If you're reading this from Bordon, Farnham, Alton, Haslemere, Petersfield or anywhere across Surrey and Hampshire, please know my inbox is always open.
Over the years I've discovered some wonderful local baby classes, swimming lessons, parks, soft play centres, matenity/newborn/family photographers, pregnancy support services and brilliant women who specialise in everything from breastfeeding support to postnatal wellbeing.
I might not always know the answer, but I probably know someone who does.
Sometimes the first step to building your village is simply asking.
Motherhood was never meant to be a test of how much you can carry on your own.
You deserve support too.
With love,
Jess x
P.S. A Little Something to Think About...
Before you carry on with your day, I'd love you to ask yourself one question.
What is one thing I can take off my plate this week?
Not add.
Take away.
Maybe it's asking for help.
Maybe it's leaving the washing until tomorrow.
Maybe it's booking that cleaner.
Maybe it's saying yes when someone offers to help.
BE KIND TO YOURSELF
I'd love to hear some of these things you have taken off your plate to make life that little bit easier, tag me @jessmanning94 on instagram, I'd love to connect!
P.S I want to shout out to some amazing photographers I have used that you can see on this page.... Portraits by Pear Tree in Grayshott (now the Hampshire Baby Art Studio too!), Claire Long Photography, Nadine Loretta Photography and Cherish & Capture by Rachel. I love supporting small businesses, especially the gorgeous photographers I have been so lucky to work with so please check them out!)
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